A Dear John Letter, of Sorts
by Kievan Rus' Supernova
Summary: Ennis sends Jack a Dear John letter. Sort of. It seems to have the opposite effect really. Non-canon because Jack is alive.


Author: Supernova-Kamakazifrogs (A.K.A. Alex)

Beta: Cody Saoyrn

Date: 6/6/09

Warnings: Slash/homosexuals/gay guys, 'nuff said. Little cussing, bit of angst, and lots of Fluff.

A/N: I do write Ennis and Jack with the accents. I'm sorry if any of you find this difficult to understand because of that. Just a little pre-meditative measure. Feel free to flame my writing, but if you mention any homophobia I'm just going to have to ask you one thing.

Why are you in the _Brokeback Mountain_ fandom if you don't like slash/homosexuals/gay guys? That's one of those 'Are you stupid?' moments. Please read ahead and enjoy.

A Dear John Letter, of Sorts

"Hey Mr. Twist. There's a letter here for you." Cindy's voice cut through the midsummer haze that Jack was in. It was darned hot out there. That was understandable as it was the middle of June.

"Who from? Most people who send me mail have my home address." Jack didn't know anybody who would send him mail here. In place of a reply Jack got a low, slow whistle from the brunette secretary. It was a whistle akin to the ones men on the streets gave to pretty woman passing by.

"I swear Mr. Twist, not to over-step professional boundaries, but if all your friends are as good looking, sweet, and polite as this one…. I would really like to meet them all." Jack's mind flashed to one person that he knew fit this description as the woman sighed dramatically. "He said his name was Ennis; didn't give a last though." She took the letter she held out and walked out to his truck. He needed to do this in private.

It had been nineteen long months since he'd called Ennis and told him their November meeting was canceled. Along with any meeting after that. He could still hear the painful silence of the other man over the phone. Nineteen months since he told Randall yes and gave him what little of himself was left.

He'd been expecting something like this from the beginning. Ennis wouldn't just let him go; no, he'd have to try and convince him to come back. Jack knew better though. No matter how much begging and sweet talk Ennis did he wasn't going back. He couldn't hide with Ennis anymore.

He went to toss it in the trashcan outside, but something wouldn't let him. It was that large part of him that yearned for the blond man. It wanted to read the words his love had sent to him. He climbed into truck cab and opened the clean, white envelope. The only thing on the front was his name in the messy scrawl that was as familiar to Jack as the sun.

_Dear Rodeo...Jack,_

_Hey friend. How are you? Is everything okay with you? Bet you're surprised to hear from me… If you're reading this I'm just as surprised I even sent it, let alone wrote it. I was never very good with words so I'll just get on with it._

_I owe you so many apologies. I can't even write them all down. I'm sorry for the way I treated you all those years. You did, and still do, deserve better. Better than me and how I treated you, at least. I'm sorry for all the times I told you no. When you came up after my divorce I should have told you yes, and fucked what everybody else thinks. There was no excuse, other than I was scared. Which, now that I think on it, it's the stupidest reason not to be happy. You deserve to be happy, and so did I at the time._

_Most of all though darling, I'm sorry for being ashamed. Ashamed of what we are, what we had, and who we are. I should have just gone off with you in '63. We could have had that sweet life you always talked about._

_I know it's all my fault that we didn't. And I take full blame for it. I was never the man you needed, Jack. I should have realized years ago what a gift you were to me. You loved me, and that in itself was the greatest gift I've ever known._

_I'm writing you now because my girls asked me some things I had to answer. Things about why me and Alma split, why I never remarried. I had to tell them Jack. I had to tell them the truth. About everything. So they know of us Jack, know of what we had. They don't care neither._

_That made me think and I realized that not everybody is like those men who killed those guys all those years ago. I thought you had the right to know that you and my girls really helped me see things straight. No pun intended… You all changed my mind about a lot of things. About myself and about who I chose to be with. _

_Jack, this letter wasn't my plea to have you back. I won't ask that of you. I think you should stay as far away from me as possible. It's better for you. If you're happy where you are, and with whoever you want, then stay that way. I won't drag you from your life, like you'd come willingly anyway. I want you to be happy with your choices. You weren't happy with me, so be happy with him, whoever he is. Have that sweet life._

_Love Your Cowboy_

_P.S.- My last apology is the biggest I need to make. It's for never telling you what you really needed to hear. I love you. Always have, since that night back in '63, and always will. Until I'm old and gray and dying or dead. _

Jack was nearly in tears by the time he had finished reading the letter and had to re-read the end before it finally sunk in what Ennis had wrote to him. He had finally said, or rather wrote, the three words Jack had longed to hear from the tight-lipped man for the past twenty years.

It was a shock to his system really. He'd never, _never_, expected to actually receive that endearment from the other man. Not even in his wildest fantasies, of which Jack had _many_, did he even try to visualize hearing these words. It was a wonder to Jack that three little words could cause so much joy and happiness and even a twinge of regret. That they had gone over twenty years without these sentiments being expressed between them was a huge regret, apparently on both men's parts. They also caused a huge foolish, reckless grin to blossom on his face.

Taking a look at the watch on his wrist he quickly noted that he had to leave or he was going to be late for his lunch with Randal, Jeremy, and Michael. They had been meeting for lunch about once or twice a week for nearly a year now. Jack thought it was nice to have another couple like themselves to hang and joke around with, even if they both surpassed him in age by about ten years.

Jeremy and Michael were as different in looks as you could get. Michael was tall, about 6 feet 2 inches, with darkly tanned, weathered skin, brown hair, and clear, amber colored eyes. He also had a large, faded scar that ran from his left temple to the bottom of his left ear. Michael looked every inch the cowboy, from his rough hands down to his faded, dusty boots and back up to his broad, muscled shoulders. He wasn't intimidated in the least though. His full mouth was always smiling and his eyes seemed to spark with a constant and unrestrained calm happiness.

Jeremy, though, was a whole different story. He was only about 5 feet 9 inches in height with a slim build. His hair was longer; long enough to put in a low ponytail, and his eyes were a dark coffee color. His skin was fair and covered in freckles, nearly opposite that of his lover. And while Michael was prone to wearing dark jeans, white t-shirts, and boots, Jeremy was a bit more sophisticated. He liked casual khaki slacks, button up shirts, and white sneakers. Jeremy did not originate from Texas but came from San Francisco and didn't adopt the more western style of wear.

Personality wise though, they were both alike. They loved being near and talking to people. They thrived on it, really. Michael got a lot of interaction through his job as a horse trainer and Jeremy through his work as a teacher and volunteer firefighter. They both lived about 30 miles from Childress in a city called Quanah.

Jack turned on his truck and pulled out of the parking lot, still grinning like a loon. He didn't think there was anything in the world that could make him unhappy at the moment. When he walked into the restaurant and sat down with the other three for lunch they noticed it too. It seemed that no matter what they talked about Jack was grinning like a fool and staring off into space. It really brought out Jeremy's curious side and got him asking questions.

"What has got you so happy?" The older man's question threw Jack off and immediately brought him off his high. Instead of just thinking about how amazing it was to read those words from his…well technically ex-boyfriend, he thought of how this was going to affect his relationship with Randal. The letter irrevocably changed how he did, and could possibly, feel about the man he currently called lover. He couldn't go back to what he and Randal had, not now that he knew exactly what Ennis did, and still does, feel about him.

"Somethin' great and wonderful and horrible at the same time." His response only caused confusion and concern all around. "I got a letter today…." He was reluctant to go on, knowing exactly how Randal would react. He would get angry at Jack and probably yell; there was just no way he would take this any way but badly.

"Who from?" Randal's concerned voice sounded from his right in the booth, accompanied by a light squeeze to his hand under the table.

"You're not gonna like it." He took a deep, steadying breath and just said it, knowing that dragging it out wasn't going to help. "Ennis sent me a letter." There was a stiffening to the entire table's occupants. Jack had told them all of his relationship with Ennis and how he had just gotten sick of hiding with Ennis. Randal understood that he'd never be number one in Jack's heart, but he was willing to take what Jack could give him. That still didn't mean that he liked it when Jack mentioned the other man. It only helped to remind him that he would never be the only guy in Jack's life, no matter how much he wanted to be. He tended to avoid listening when Jack spoke of Ennis, he just tuned him out.

"What'd that bastard have to say? Begging you to come back to him?" Before Jack could get a word in edge-wise or one of the other men could stop Randal he continued. Adopting a high-pitched, girly voice he spoke, "_Oh, Jack! You just have to come back to me. I mean, I'd never be seen out in public with you, but we could meet on a mountain every couple of months! It's that just dandy?_" Jack cut him off from saying anything else with a hand over his mouth. He was just a little pissed. It didn't matter how much he ragged on Ennis himself, he wouldn't stand for anyone else doing it.

"Stop that, Randal!" Even to himself Jack sounded like a mother scolding her child. He quickly removed his hand from Randal's mouth and took a few calming breaths. His blood was pounding through his veins in indignation toward the treatment of his lover…ex-lover. "He said nothin' of the kind actually. He wished me well, gave me a few much needed apologies, and…he told me he loved me." Jack rushed the end, not really wanting to tell Randal what Ennis had written him, knowing it wouldn't settle well with the other man.

"He did?" Michael's question cut off anything Randal was going to say and focused Jack's attention on him instead. "Did he actually say it, or was it hinted at?" Jack reluctantly handed the letter over to him. The two older men scanned over the letter together, nodding and even smiling at some parts.

"This boy's completely in love with you. No doubt about it now." Jeremy was grinning wickedly at Jack, a mischievous light in his eyes. That same light was shining in the normally kind eyes of Michael. They were planning something, Jack could tell.

"So what? Now you're just going to go search every hotel room in Childress and hope to find your _lover_?" Randal's voice seemed to drip with disdain and his expression was just as bad. It didn't matter how much he cared for Jack, he wasn't going to lose the man without a few words in edgewise.

"Why would he be here in Childress?" That was the only thing Jack picked up from Randal's little tirade.

"Of course he'd have to be. This letter isn't addressed to you with an actual address, only your name. He'd have had to deliver it to your secretary." And then Jack remembered what Cindy had said about the man who dropped it off.

"How am I gonna find him? Would he even still be here? Maybe we can drive by the motel parkin' lots and I can look for his truck. There's only two motels in Childress…" It took Jack a total of two minutes of starring off into space to remember one important thing. Randal. "Oh, Randal… I'm sorry. I just…I just can't ignore this. If there's any chance that Ennis wants to be with me I need to take it. I…I'm sorry." Jack trailed off, knowing that no amount of apologizing would help Randal. He was being cruel and everyone at the table knew it. He just loved Ennis so much, he needed to see if Ennis had maybe changed his mind.

"I'm not going to say it's okay, but I understand. You do what you have to do and I'll do what I have to do." He got up from the booth, said goodbye to Michael and Jeremy, and then left without another look at Jack.

"He took that better than expected, didn't he?" Michael looked confused and Jack felt the same. They all had expected something a bit more dramatic from the man.

"That's a miracle I won't look in the mouth. I didn't want to hear him yelling anymore." Jeremy had never been too fond of Randal; he'd always found him too prone to yelling and dramatics. "What're you gonna do now?" Jack bit his bottom lip in indecision and thought for a few moments.

"Would you two be willin' to ride around and look for his truck with me? I don't think I can do this by myself." Jack knew how desperate that sounded. He was willing to drive all over town looking for Ennis' truck just to find him. In his mind though, if that meant he got the other man back, it was well worth sounding a bit desperate.

"What if he rode on back home to…? Where did he live again? Wyoming?" At Jack's quick nod he continued. "What if he already headed back to Wyoming?" That wasn't something Jack wanted to concentrate on. Plus he had time and Ennis' job on his side.

"He'd probably be too tired. He works as a ranch hand during the week and it's a 14 hour drive from Wyoming to here. It's what? 2 o'clock now? That means he would have had to leave at about 11 o'clock on a Friday night after working all day. He'd be wiped. I hope." He took a quick look at the bill from their meal and laid down the correct amount. He just waved off Jeremy's attempts to pay his part.

"I'm not turning down a free meal when I can get one." That was all the explanation Michael gave on his lack of protests. "We'd be happy to ride with you. We're here if you need us." They were both smiling at him in such a way that he felt total confidence in what he was about to do.

"Thanks." It was such a simple sentiment that really meant so much. They all approached his new silver truck and got in, Jack in the driver's seat.

"What're you going to do when you find him?" Jeremy's question brought Jack's mind to a blank.

"I have no idea. Guess I'll just have to wing it." By now Jack was grinning broadly, nearly bouncing in excitement. "I'm gonna see Ennis…" He was humming the words under his breath, causing the other two men in the car to share a secret, happy smile. They both understood what it was like to be so in love there was no one else for you. That's what they felt for each other. They had fifteen years together under their belts. They were hoping for another fifteen too. Lord willing, they were gonna make the same thing happen for their friends.

The first motel parking lot gave the men no sight of Ennis' truck and caused Jack's smile to dwindle a little.

"What if he's not here?" They were just pulling up to the last motel parking lot, hoping to spot that old, beat up truck. "There it is…." A sudden rush of excitement and fear coursed through Jack, and even the other men a little. They truly wanted this to work out for their friend; Jack was an amazing man.

"Go on. You ain't gonna find him sitting in this damn pick-up." Jeremy pushed him out of the truck and towards the door that the truck was parked in front. He took a deep breath and raised his hand to knock. Then he froze.

All of his fears just seemed to rush up on him. _Would Ennis take me back? Does he want me more than a few times a year?_ Those and others just sped into his mind at that moment. He dropped his hand and backed himself toward the truck.

"What are you doin'?" Michael jumped out of the cab and grabbed Jack's shoulders. He punctuated his statement with a swift shake of Jack's frame.

"I cain't do this. What if…what if he doesn't want me long term? What if-" Jack was cut off by Michael's quick, sharp statement.

"No 'What ifs'. You go march yourself to that man and you make him keep you. Don't take no for an answer." Before Jack could say anything more he was shoved toward Ennis' motel room door. "Go on. You can do this." With a shaky smile toward Michael, who had gone back to the truck, he raised his hand and knocked three times in quick succession.

And waited. And waited. And waited some more. After nearly five minutes he looked back at the two men in his truck in desperation. They just waved him on and he knocked again. This time a little louder and a bit longer.

"'M comin', 'm comin. Jis a min'te." Ennis' sleep soaked voice bled through the door in a quiet mumble. There was a sudden thud and a loud curse that signaled that Ennis had fallen over while trying to put his pants back on. It made Jack smile to feel the love that such a familiar action caused. The door was wrenched open and a bare-chested, barefoot, and jean-clad Ennis was revealed to Jack's hungry eyes. The blond curls were mussed and the brown eyes glazed over from the sleep he was just awoken from.

"Wha' d'ya-" The blond man stopped mid-mumble and just stared at Jack. There was nothing in his stare. None of the surprise or happiness or even anger that Jack had expected. There was just a blank, dazed look to Ennis' eyes. "Jack." The name was slurred, but no less reverently said. Jack also noticed the red-rimmed eyes and half-empty bottle of Old Red Whiskey sitting on the scratched wooden bedside table behind Ennis.

"Ennis. Are ya drunk?" It surprised Jack to think that his emotionally stunted Cowboy would get drunk the same day he gave Jack a love letter. Jack wasn't stupid enough to believe that the two weren't connected. "Why'd ya drink, Cowboy?" He also knew that this was the best time to ask Ennis questions you wanted answered, when he'd had a few too many drinks.

"'Cause I missed ya, bud. Didn' think I'd ever see ya ag'in." Ennis gave him a small, pained grin and leaned heavily against the doorframe. It was obvious that it was supporting most of his weight. He really was drunk off his ass.

Jack looked back at the two men in his truck and waved them off. No matter how this all turned out, at least he would have taken the chance.

"Come on Ennis. Let's get you inside and sitting down, before you fall down. God, bud. You don't know how to drink half-assed, do ya?" Jack shook his head and grabbed Ennis' hand. He pulled him into the dimly lit motel room and closed the door behind him.

The room was sparsely furnished with a small dresser, full sized bed, night table, and a phone on the wall in the corner by the front door. Opposite the phone was a closed room that supposedly led to the bathroom. Of the three lights in the room only on was lit, giving the room an almost dream-like state. _Just what I need,_ Jack thought, _to think I'm dreamin'._

"Come on Cowboy. Let's get you sittin' and drinkin' somethin' other than whiskey." Jack led the man over to the bed, forced him to sit, and brought him a glass of chilled water from the bathroom sink. "Now, why'd you write that letter, Ennis?" Jack had to ask. It was one of the biggest questions he had for Ennis. "Why now?"

"Dunno, Jackie." Ennis' voice was still slurred, but he was a little more coherent after a few swallows of water. "Guess I felt it was the right time. Ya know? I had this feelin' in my gut that told me it was time to 'pologise. Didn't want you to go on livin' the rest of your life thinkin' you'd wasted twenty years lovin' a man that didn't love ya just the same." Ennis yawned big then and Jack had to smile at how young the blond looked when he was sleepy like this. "Do love ya Jack. Maybe I didn't know it at first up on Brokeback. Was too confused 'n' scared to then. But right after we parted and you was drivin' away…I 'bout passed out 'cause of the pain in my gut. That's when I knew."

"God, Ennis." This was the most he'd heard Ennis admit to him face-to-face since the night when they both got drunk and started talking about their families. It was an emotional high to get this information out of the blond. He shook his head and decided he'd come back over in the morning, when Ennis actually had functioning brain cells. "Let's get you in bed. You need to sleep off all this alcohol." After they had both wrestled Ennis' pants back off and Jack's Cowboy had laid down on the bed, Jack made moves to leave.

"Wait." Ennis' half-asleep voice stopped Jack before he opened the door. "Stay with me?" Jack could do nothing to ignore the pleading in Ennis' voice, no matter how much he wanted to. So he went back, shed his clothes, and crawled into the bed. Ennis wrapped himself around Jack and put his head on Jack's chest. They fell asleep wrapped around each other.

*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*

"We gotta talk, Ennis." They'd both been awake for nearly 10 minutes, but neither had wanted to break the cocoon of bliss that had settled over them. They couldn't remember a time when they had woken up wrapped around each other in an actual bed. It'd always been a sleeping bag or in the bed of a pick-up. For both of them it was a moment to be savored and treasured. "What you said last night and in your letter… Did you mean any of it?" That sounded harsh, even to Jack's own ears. They both cringed a little and Jack tightened his arms around Ennis, hoping to soften the blow his bitter words had caused.

"'Course I did. Everything I said and wrote. I did tell m'girls, just like I said. All them apologies were honest and true, too. I meant every word I said last night. Even them that made me embarrass myself." Ennis took a deep breath and seemed to be preparing himself for something. Jack just waited, knowing that rushing the other man would just make it harder for Ennis to actually say what he wanted. "I…" Ennis didn't continue. He just turned his head and buried his nose in the dark, silky hair on Jack's chest. "I love you, Jack." The words were rushed out, forced, but no less true. It took Jack's breath away to hear the words spoken aloud. He'd read them on paper yesterday, but actually hearing them was different. It sent shots of hope through him that hadn't existed in nearly fifteen years.

"I love you too. I've been waiting a damned few years to tell ya, but I do. What're we gonna do now, though? I'm divorced from Laureen, Bobby's in college. All I got left now is you." Now Ennis was thinking. Thinking that maybe Jack was right all them years ago.

"We should get a place. Together, I mean." More mumbling and Jack had to listen hard to hear what Ennis was saying. And what he heard shocked him more than anything Ennis could have said. He sat up and looked down at Ennis lying below him.

"For real, Cowboy? You wanna get a place? Like…owning a calf 'n' cow operation together? Or workin' my Mama's place up in Lightning Flat, since my Pa died 'bout 8 months back?" He was just tossing out the first ideas that came to mind, but the last sounded like a pretty great idea. He was still looking down at Ennis, trying to gauge his reaction.

"Any of those. Or all. Whatever means we can keep waking up like this every morning. I…like bein' all cuddled up in your arms like this." So that was it. There was no big argument or even a lot of negotiation to reach the idea that both wanted to be like this for always. "I like the idea of runnin' your Mama's place. The way you described her reminded me a lot of my own Mama. So, can we do it? Just like this?"

"I'll have to quit my job and call Mama, but that can be done today. What d'you say 'bout heading up there tomorrow? We can get your stuff on the way?" to others it may have seemed as if they were going fast, but for them this was a long awaited moment. It was twenty years in coming.

"Sure." Ennis couldn't say anything else before his mouth was claimed by Jack's. They spent most of that morning consummating their love. The afternoon was spent making phone calls to Jack's work, Ennis' boss, and lastly Jack's Mama. They all went like they hoped. By the next night Jack and Ennis were in Lightning Flat, sleeping in the upstairs bedroom that used to be Jack's as a kid.

And that's where they slept, wrapped around each other, every night from then on. Well, they slept until Jack had to pull the sheets back from a blanket-hogging Ennis.

*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*

_A/N: I hope y'all enjoy. This is the longest story I've ever completed!!!! It's an exciting moment for me._


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